The Monster Within
by A x Stupid x Lamb
Summary: Edward 'rebelious stage' told in detail. Edwards POV. Esme and Carlisle are the only other Cullens involved. Edward finds it hard to feed from animals and wishes to leave the protection of Esme and Carlisle to hunt humans on his own.
1. Chapter 1

_Ok guys so here is my funky new version of The Monster Within. It has been updated the TNaya situation is different and yeah so read. It had been Beta'd so i hopoe its good for you :) Please read and review if you like the changes!_

_

* * *

_

_I am a monster, plain and simple. One word can say so much about a person 'monster' is all you need to know about the infamous Edward Cullen. I decided I could leave the comfort and protection of Carlisle and Esme. Boy, was I wrong about that! So if you wish to hear my unforgiving tale then carry on reading, on your life be it._

* * *

_I need to leave, _I thought stubbornly. I just couldn't act on the impulse. Carlisle and Esme's thoughts contained nothing but love and respect towards me. How could I hurt them so by leaving them like this? They knew something was wrong; I hadn't fed for three weeks now. I was getting thirstier and thirstier by the day but I couldn't stand being a 'vegetarian!' I did not appreciate them for curbing my appetite. I wanted human blood now, not just mountain lions and grizzly bears, I wanted more!

I sat on the sofa of our house with these thoughts swarming around in my head when I heard Carlisle enter. I looked at him and gave him a weak smile, he returned one of his own and it just made me feel even guiltier about what I was thinking.

"What is the matter, Edward? You haven't fed for 22 days now. Your control will slip if you leave hunting much longer, you know. Why don't you wish to hunt?"

"I'm confused, Carlisle," was all I answered.

_You're hiding something; do you not wish to tell me?_

"No," I answered his thought.

_Very well, you know where I am if you need me, dear boy. By the way, hunt._

I gave a nod, but I could tell by Carlisle's expression that he wasn't fooled one tiny bit. He sighed, then rose and left the room in one fluid movement.

"Oh, I will hunt, dear Carlisle, just not the way you wish," my whisper echoed through he room as I went to leave it. I walked through the door and stepped out into the evening air. I ran to the forest and headed for town. It took me five minutes and it had started to rain, just my luck. I hid in the trees, waiting for someone to pass me. During that time I decided I would only hunt the guilty: murderers and such. The easy way to find out was to read their minds first. An ear-piercing scream caught me off guard and I followed it to an alleyway. A woman was lying on the floor bleeding and a man was towering above her, a strange gleam in his eyes. These were the signs of a killer. The smell of the blood then overpowered everything, venom rose within every part of me; it took everything I had to not go for the woman.

_Go for the man, _I chanted in my head. _Not the woman, the man! _It worked. It must have because I pounced on the man and bit straight into his neck. I was instantly overwhelmed by the onslaught of the wonderful taste of human blood. It filled me with happiness and I felt the strength it gave me.

Once I had finished the human off, I had planned to just leave, but then something happened. The fact was: I couldn't leave; the taste of blood was still around. The woman's blood. Instantly I turned and again bit into the neck of my victim.

_No, please, my baby!_

The thought pierced right through to my unbeating heart and I had to stop feeding, but it was too late. The damage had been done, I had murdered an innocent. No, two innocents- and one wasn't even born! _What creature have I become?_

After that I sat in the alleyway for a good half an hour, resenting what I had done. When I couldn't put it off any longer, I rose to my feet and found myself back at the house until eventually I stood right on the doorstep. I was dripping with rain by then, covered in blood and had crimson red eyes. I must look a sight!

The door opened and I saw Carlisle standing in the threshold. To avoid his gaze I looked at the ground and said, "I have come to collect some clothes and then I will be off. I'm truly sorry, Carlisle." I looked up then. Carlisle gasped as he saw the state I was in.

"Oh, Edward, what have you done?"

"Defied you, Carlisle, that is what I have done. Ruined everything you have worked for," I answered truthfully.

"Come in," was all he replied.

I went to my room, found a bag and threw some belongings into it. I was back at the doorstep within two minutes. Carlisle was naturally by the door too.

"Go, Edward, take as long as you need and remember that there is always a place in our home for you." I nodded briefly and took a step out the door. He put his hand out to stop me.

"How bad was it?" he asked.

"I killed a man, then a woman; the woman was pregnant, Carlisle!" I bellowed. "I am a murderer and don't deserve to be with you anymore."

"That is a lie, Edward," he replied firmly. For the briefest second I thought I saw Carlisle hesitate.

"Do you feel remorse?" he asked me.

"Like you couldn't imagine," I told him and then pulled away and trudged down the gravel pathway, hating the very being I was.


	2. Chapter 2

Three days I have been here now and yet the pain I feel for leaving has not decreased a single bit. _Why,_ I constantly ask myself, and in return I always conclude the same: I love them. As much as I deny the chance of that being a possibility, it creeps back to me every time. Time and time again, I'm getting weary now. I have not hunted, but I remain in the woods, never daring to move however even though I say this there is this force driving me towards the town. Oh, I know why and I also know that there is no stopping myself from feeding, Carlisle had tried that already. He has the drive to just feed only on animals, but what did I have? Nothing: no determination at all to make myself vegetarian. I cannot return now but I need to feed. The taste of humans really is better than I imagined.

My mind is drifting and I remember saying that mountain lion would always be my favourite food. Well, that is no longer the case, but it will become a close second.

The howling wind is rushing past me and it snaps me out of my reverie, but with it comes a heavy price. That all to familiar scent rips through me like a tornado. Naturally I am caught unprepared and I bowl through the forest at a blinding speed. It takes me no more than 20 seconds to reach the unsuspecting person. The muttered "Opps" is faint in my occupied mind. What I am focused on is the delicious scent coming from the girl's hand. She tripped and cut herself- well, too bad for her.

I take my chance and pounce, she barely sees me coming.

The job is clean and quick. Bless her soul. Her thoughts grow weaker and weaker until there are none there at all. Then I have to face the truth: I was right, I am a monster.

After slinging the corpse off me I sag to the floor and hug my knees. As well fed as I am now I still want more. Is there no end to the bloodshed that I will cause? I don't get why I am feeling this way. Carlisle, I realise. He drew me a path that I willingly followed and now I'm scared to stray from that path. _Well, it's going to have to happen one day, _I think stubbornly. _But maybe just the people who didn't deserve a life are the ones I should take: murderers, criminals, and no-goods. Surely I will not be so evil then?_

In any case, I need to mingle with the humans first to be able to see who will be the victim in my sick games. I need supplies for that and I forgot my sunglasses: I will surely need them now. Damn it, why didn't I put them in my bag when I left? I sigh, regretting what I am about to do: return home. Fury is rising within me undiluted I have sworn I would never return, and the fact that I still am just … just … well, it ticks me off all right.

I rip through the forest at a blinding speed. It takes mere minutes before I am standing outside the looming house. After taking a deep breath I look around. Carlisle's car was here which means, great, he is at home. Which more than likely means Esme is there too. So I have to sneak in, climb the wall by my room.

I let Two seconds pass before I make a move. In another 30 seconds I am forcefully pushing myself up my wall in mid-stride. During this I had to hang on to a vine, which is intertwining up the wall. I am level with my window only for a short moment later and noticed that it is open. I sigh thinking, _Carlisle_, _you weren't lying when you said you would welcome me back any time. _I pull myself through the window and land on my bedroom floor without a sound. When I finally turn to face my old room, I feel a slight twinge of remorse tug at my soul, but I know that is simply because this is where I found shelter before. I have no soul now. I quickly scan the room before I start rummaging around, but I cannot find my sunglasses. Damn it!

"Looking for something?" That was when I saw a figure standing in the doorway. Carlisle, and guess what, he had my sunglasses in his hand. Frozen, I just looked at him, not knowing what to say. He walked up to me slowly and met my eyes, then sighed.

"Red really isn't your colour, you know, Edward?" he asks jokingly. I looked around the room, trying to ignore what he was saying.

"Edward, are you even going to look like you're listening to me?" he demands exhausted.

"Why shou-" I stopped myself from saying 'why should I?' out loud. "You know I'm leaving again alright, so can I have my sunglasses back please? I need them," I add, holding out my hand, urging him to give me back the accessory. He looked at me as if to say, in your dreams!'

"Give me a good reason why you need them, just one, and then yes, you may have them back." I kept my mouth shut, as I couldn't think of any reply.

"I'm waiting," Carlisle said after I hadn't replied for a good few minutes.

"Because I cannot live on animals, Carlisle, and I do not have the strength to deny my very being" I speak quietly, every worked laced with surrender, which grows more evident when Carlisle looks at me with sad eyes.

"Wrong answer." His voice became steel, unforgiving. If I were still human I would not want to be in the same room as him right now, this was so unlike him. What he did next truly shocked me. He dropped my sunglasses on the floor and stepped on them. The sound of the poor plastic breaking was all I heard. I stare at him, astonished and vaguely irritated, but any word of protest dies on my lips as I look up at his face. His eyes are scorching, gleaming brightly with righteous anger and a powerful compassion that I have, on past occasions, seen in his mind. I did not deserve compassion from him yet still he delivers it, which makes it all the more painful.

"You are **not** weak. You **can** deny your very being. You **do** have the strength; you just choose not to exercise it. You give up too easily, Edward, but I know you, I know you do not relish the thought of killing." He removed his foot and my eyes fell to the pitiful remains of black plastic.

"Why did you destroy my glasses?" I growled, my anger making itself known now.

"Because back in the day we did not have such things. If you truly want to hunt humans then do it the old fashioned way, hiding. Also, you didn't give me a good enough reason; I didn't say it had to be true, just good"

"Then I am afraid we have very different opinions, Carlisle. They were the good reasons, I like killing humans. I'm glad I don't have the strength to deny myself." My patience is drawing thin; won't he understand that every word I utter is true?

"We shall see, in a year or two," he told me and then turned to leave.

_Do not return until you are ready, and hunt out of town. I'm tired of cleaning up the messes you leave around. Body after body in my hospital and I have to sign their death certificates. Remember that every person you kill has a family and people waiting for him or her _he thought as he walked out of the room. I force my eyes to move away from his retreating form, I am startled to find that everything was as I had left it, well, everything apart from my now smashed sunglasses. I planned to write a note to Esme to give her some comfort, so I quickly grabbed a pencil and a blank sheet of paper from my desk and set about penning her letter, the elegant curves of my old fashioned handwriting quickly filling the page.

_Dearest, Esme,_  
_All I can say is that I am truly sorry. I may return one day, but for now I have decided to reamin on my own for some time. Know that I left because I wanted to make sure I won't burden you with my new eating habits. I love you, dear Esme, and forever will. You are not the cause of any of this, so do not take it to heart. Please do not ask me for some words of comfort, I wish I could give them to you but, alas, I cannot. I am now off to try and get some sunglasses since Carlisle just smashed mine; though do not think ill of him. I know why he done it and he has every right to as well. Finally, I request of you to tell Carlisle that I have finally thought of a valid reason: I require my sunglasses because I still love both of you and I do not want to shame you by revealing my identity. I hope this will satisfy Carlisle._  
_Forever loving you, both of you,_  
_Edward_

After folding the letter in half, I wrote Esme's name on top and placed it on my bedside table. She would receive it very soon, of that I'm sure. She was downstairs somewhere, I believed. Taking one last glance at my room I slowly clamber down the wall and walk around the house to the front. On the doorstep I saw a piece of paper and an object placed by it. Curious I walked up to it and saw that it was a letter in Esme's handwriting.

_Dear Edward,_

_I will not waste both of our times by trying to persuade you to return; I know it will not work._ _Remember always that you are not on your own and never will be. Oh, Edward, I know why you left, Carlisle told me. As to your comment, I must take it to heart because you are my son in many ways and I love you. Carlisle also told me about your glasses and he would like to write you a little message as well_ _._

_I love you no matter what. Good luck on whatever lonely path you wander._

_Esme_

I carry on to read Carlisle's message.

_Edward,_

_Thank you. Yes, that is indeed a good reason. I urge to remember that family is always there for you, so do not fear to return. We will be waiting for that loving father for all intents and purposes,_

_Carlisle_

I fold the letter and put it in my shirt pocket, right next to my unbeating heart. Remembering I saw a package I look back down on the front door step where the letter had been and found a pair of sunglasses. Underneath there was yet another note, again in Esme's handwriting.

_Carlisle doesn't know. Use them well._


	3. Chapter 3

After picking up the sunglasses I set off for the town. When I was at the edge of town I slid the sunglasses on and was ready to go. I aimlessly walked down the streets, intertwining in the shadows, sticking to the alleys where there weren't many people. When I did find someone I flipped through his or her thoughts, which ranged from whether someone's crops would grow to mourning a death. My sharp mind picked up on the face in this particular thought. Then dreadful realisation hit me full force; it was the woman I had killed earlier, the one that fell and cut her hand. Carlisle was right; they do have a family, the people I kill. A sigh escaped me as I carried on through the winding streets, loathing myself for so many reasons.

After a while, I picked up on the thoughts of a man; his thoughts were of a girl with him in an alleyway. Well, they were not pure, let's just say that. He would do as the next pawn in my game. Through the smooth air I pinpointed his location and set off at a deadly speed, making sure no one saw me. After a few seconds, I was at the edge of the alley. I turned into it.

"Come on love, wriggle about a bit." This was my queue.

"I would stop there, if I were you," I growled. Being with Esme had taught me that women should not be treated like filth on the bottom of a boot. Esme's voice in my head kept telling me to stop this and do some justice for once.

"What's it to you, bucko?" he retorted. _A lot_, I thought bitterly. I walked up to him and removed his hand from the poor woman.

"Run, get away from here, never stop," I told her. She automatically took off running, her heart galloping at a frantic speed. Now, to deal with the man. I slung my hand back and sent him flying. He landed in a heap in the darkest part of the alley; no one had to endure seeing this. I flew up to him and got ready for my reward.

"Well, well, well. Isn't that a curious picture," I heard from behind me. Regretfully, I got off the wriggling man and he got up and took off for his life. In a fit of rage I turned to meet a pair of crimson eyes. The man was called Aro; I recognised him from somewhere. He was leaning against the alley wall, looking amused. His long black cloak was barely blowing in the tame wind.

"I'm Aro."

"I know who you are." Carlisle had thought of him a few times and he had told me all about Aro: that he was a collector of powers. He prided himself on having anyone he chooses at his command. That much easier to kill, don't you think?

"Why, of course, Carlisle must have spoken to you many a time, or at least thought of me." he pushed himself off the brick wall and started walking towards me. "But, what I'm trying to work out is why an adoptive son of the infamous Carlisle Cullen is out on the streets killing humans. Has Carlisle finally seen sense?" he asked. Every word was laced with doubt.

"No," I growled, "he's still hunting animals; he doesn't want to be a monster. I have no choice but to be a monster."

"How so?" he asked

"I don't have the control it takes to refrain from humans." Aro nodded. _Such devastation from him, it is like he has given up living. _His thoughts ringed in my ears. Devastation? Of course I'm feeling devastated! I've just turned away from the only people close to family, twice!

"It's not easy, that's certain. But even normal, er, non-vegetarian vampires have to develop control, Edward. How else would we be able to walk in the streets relatively unnoticed?"

"That much I can handle. At least you're not living on the equivalent of tofu," I answered. Aro chuckled to himself.

"I cannot see how that man does it," he mused, "What did Carlisle think when he knew your choice?" he curiously asked.

"He wasn't pleased, naturally. I removed myself from his house," I informed him.

"Where are you living?" So many questions, I wasn't in the mood for them.

"Homeless." The one word brought everything crashing down on me. I had ruined my life for one thing, something I just didn't enjoy anymore.

"You know you could always join me, you wouldn't be restrained in any way and you'd be a valuable member of our family," he announced.

"Sorry, I belong to a family. I agreed to that when I took the name, 'Cullen'" I pointed out. I was not going to become another trophy for Aro to collect and show off to everyone.

"Very well, Edward. We may cross paths again, one day, but for now, goodbye."

"Farewell, Aro."

Aro was quite a peculiar creature when you get down to it, really. I decided to give up on hunting humans now. Way too much hassle! And to be honest, I wasn't very good and it didn't feel right. I was not me if I hunted that way. After this unexpected meeting, I slumped in the alleyway, unsure of what to do.

"Someone looks as if they need a hug." I looked up to find Tanya gazing down at me with a smile on her beautiful face. I gazed at her through my sunglasses. As I got a good look at her a siren went off in my head. EXIT, it screamed. An exit from everything that's happened lately.

"Oh Tanya, you have no idea how nice it is to see you." She bent down to make eye level with me.

"Someone's mister grumpy gills." I smiled at her. She then pulled me to my feet. "Come on, you're coming back to Denali with me," she told me. We walked to the end of the alleyway and to a car; the back door was open. Tanya slid in the back and beckoned me forward so I joined her on the back seats.

"Onwards," Tanya commanded the driver and then she raised the shield so we were out of earshot from him.

"I take it you're wearing glasses because your eyes are bright red under them, yes?" I nodded weakly. "Well, I can't say I'm surprised, really. Every teen has their rebellious stage."

"But I don't want to, anymore. I need to be away from everything," I moaned; I wanted my mind to close down just for a few minutes.

"Well, Denali can help with that. You can stay with us as long as you wish," She replied sincerely.

"Thank you. I won't be too much of a burden," I assured her.

"Nonsense, it's no trouble. So you still love me?" she asked playfully.

"No more and no less than last time, Tanya," I replied in a monotone. I knew where this was heading and didn't like it a single bit.

"I'll get you one day, Mr Cullen. Mark my words." Her eyes twinkled with delight. Her mind was very disturbing, us ... together ... getting married. I shuddered at the thought.

"Please, control those childish little fantasies, Tanya. You may be harbouring me for a few weeks but we are not, I repeat, _not_ going to get married."

"Automatic rights," she piped up. She started to sound like a petulant child throwing a tantrum.

"What?" I breathed evenly.

"Automatic rights. Harbouring someone automatically gives you the right to marry them."

"Well not in my book, my friend."

"We'll see," she responded defiantly. I just sighed at that.

"Give up."

"Never." The twinkle in her eyes got more prominent. "Wait until you get to Denali. We are going to have sooo much fun." I internally groaned. What was she planning?

I tried to read her mind but she was blocking it. Damn; guess I'll have to find out the old-fashioned way. When it's too late to do anything about it.


	4. Chapter 4

"Please, tell me what you're planning!" I pleaded for what seemed like the millionth time this hour.

"Not a chance. Now please, one more time of asking that and I will chuck you out the window," she threatened. The gleam in her eyes wouldn't dwindle a single bit. I muttered to myself the remainder of the journey and glared at Tanya whenever she tried to make conversation. As you can see I was trying to be polite.

"Lighten up, we're going to have fun, I promise. It's nothing horrible," she tried to comfort me. I didn't reply, naturally. We reached the driveway in the Denali coven's house within the next 5 minutes. I slowly walked up the driveway at a snail's pace. Something I thoroughly detested compared to the speeds I could reach.

"Er, I need to hunt." Ok, so I chickened out; it wasn't the end of the world. I turned and ran in the opposite direction, heading for: yes, you guessed it, a forest. It seemed a new home to me now. I had spent so much time there, almost routine. Carelessly, I trudged my way past the ferns and brittle branches, each and every one covered in snow. I caught the scent of something what seemed from a lifetime ago. Instincts took over and I made my way around trees and over roots to find myself staring at a mountain lion. Yes, I remembered the scent now. How long had I refrained from animal blood? About six months, I think. Not a lot had happened in those six months apart from a whole lot of death. Half-heartedly, I dragged myself to the animal and sunk my teeth into its neck. I forced the sticky liquid down my throat; the taste was not exactly foul but not as pleasant as I remembered it to be. Maybe it will return after time, along with my humanity. I had lost that the day I turned my back on Carlisle and Esme. With a twinge in my stomach I realised that for my humanity to come back, I must allow them to come back, back into my life. I would remain in Denali for a few more weeks; I was not quite ready yet. All these thoughts took the fraction of time for me to drain the mountain lion dry.

Once I was done I placed the carcass on the floor and uprooted a tree to dump it under. I sighed and headed back to the awaiting arms of Tanya. I saw that the door was unlocked but I still had the manners to knock. Tanya answered.

"Hello, Edward. Enjoy your hunt?" A hint of laughter was in her eyes.

"Ok, ok, I ran away. I'm back now, though," I pointed out.

"Yes, come on in, we needed you out anyway." I walked in the door and found the most gorgeous mahogany piano gracing the room. Overwhelmed, I ran my fingers over the keys, pressing an occasional note to see if it was in tune, and it was, remarkably. Every note was perfection.

"May I?" I asked, gesturing to the piano.

"Yes, of course, it is yours for whenever you are here. Welcome to my home." She left me to my own devices. All of her family were upstairs and she had gone to join them. I sat on the bench and a melody drifted in and out of the room. It was a peculiar tune, heavy sounding. It reminded me of pain, loneliness, fear, sorrow, and every sad emotion under the sun. Yet there was a hint of hope there too, there's always hope. As I focused on it the melody picked up and merged into a happier symphony, one of love. The notes intertwined in perfect harmony. _Hmm, Esme would love this song, it shall be hers, and I will play it for her when I return._ Note I say 'when' not 'if' me returning now is as inevitable as the sun rising in the east. This little adventure of mine is just another chapter to add to the book of my life. One day it will close forever but until it does, I'll make the most of what I have.


	5. Chapter 5

Ok, staying with Tanya was not a good idea. The situation was so desperate I was miserably hiding in a closet trying to avoid her.

"Eddie, where are you, baby?" _Oh God, will it never end? _I could understand that she had taken a likeing to me but this, this was just obsession.

"Go away," I whispered. Suddenly the door of the closet swung open, filling my eyes with light.

"I heard that!" I jumped as Tanya's voice pierced my ears. She grabbed my collar and hauled me to the bed and I scrambled to the top of it for dear life. She stalked closer to me slowly, like a predator.

"Eddie, don't you love me?"

"No Tanya, don't you get it?" I tried pathetically. This had really gotten to be too much.

"Oh, you're just saying that, big boy, playing hard to get."

"Oh for the love of all that's holy, I do not fancy you, Tanya!" I screamed at her, pronouncing each word clearly, as if she were dumb.

"That's impossible. No one can resist my charm!"

"Well, apparently, I can," I told her bitterly. I closed my eyes; I hated being horrid to people.

"Oh, Tanya, please, just give it up!" I said, exasperated.

"Never!" She wasn't conceding easily, that was certain. I grabbed hold of her shoulders and sat her down on a chair that was in the corner of the room. I took one look at the blaze of pure excitement and love that was buried in her topaz eyes and I sighed.

"Tanya, you need to stop, now, before you really start making some enemies. I know you have a certain desire for me, however, I do not return that desire. I merely like you at a friend level and you know that. Why do you push it?" The blaze in her eyes dwindled at each passing word.

"I want a companion, Edward, a nice, worthy companion. You pretty much fit the bill." She was on tender hooks, waiting for me to give her the words she had waited for all day.

"I am not the appropriate companion for you, Tanya." They were definitely not the words she longed for. The whole room filled with a surge of melancholy. Tanya's as well as my own. "Every relationship I start is doomed. Just look at Carlisle and Esme." I waved uselessly to add a sense of frustration. Still, every word I utter was too true for my liking, and the worst thing about it all was that it was all my doing. I had laid this on myself, now I was enjoying the consequences.

"I don't believe that. You will find that someone, just you wait."

"I believe my time here is at its end," Part of me regretted it with every fiber of my body. I felt my days with no family are at an end aswell.

"Very well, Edward. May I accompany you to wherever your lonely travels lead you?"

"They will inevitably lead me home, Tanya. You may come with me if you wish."

"I would love that very much." She got up from the chair and took my hand in hers.

_Carlisle and Esme, here I come, with a little visitor. Please forgive me for the sins I have committed and embrace me back home, I need you. I was a fool to think otherwise._

I stood on the threshold of the all too familiar house after a good hour and 15 minutes. After a brief pause, I slowly turned the handle and stepped inside. Tanya followed me, sticking to my side.

"What will you do if they won't allow you back?" she whispered cautiously.

"Go to the Volturi and provoke them. Life just is not worth living without a family and a place to call home."

"Not if I have anything to say about it." The voice came from the living room door. Carlisle.

"Greetings, Carlisle, been avoiding me?" Tanya said perkily.

"On that I believe our opinions differ." He smiled graciously and hugged her warmly.

"Edward?" I met his gaze as I heard my name come from his lips.

"Have you changed your mind about this whole thing?" He was asking if I had changed my mind about being on my own.

"Yes, most definitely," I told him sincerely.

"Very well," he turned to Tanya now, "I believe everything has gotten a bit out of control and I am sorry for that. I hope he wasn't too much of a nuisance," he smirked. "I will make sure to visit again. Until then, Tanya," Carlisle dismissed. As she turned her back to us she said,

"Farewell, my friends." She then took off back to Denali without another word.

I sat down on the steps to the house and soon after Carlisle came and joined me.

"Welcome home, son," he murmured. "Are you really ready to return?" he asked. I turned to him and stared him in the eyes.

"Carlisle, look at my eyes, they're gold. I had been planning to come back for a while," I chuckled.

"I knew it, it must be my irresistible charm," he joked.

"No, it was your kind heart and wise words that led me back to you," I told him openheartedly.

"I only tell you what I have had to learn the hard way."

"I am truly sorry I left you, Carlisle."

"Don't say sorry to me, I believe Esme is wanting to make up on all the hugs she has missed. This should be entertaining," he mused. I stood up and headed for the door. I stepped in without a second's hesitation.

"Oh, Edward!" I heard. Yes, I was home, a new chapter in my book had begun, one where I became the real Edward Cullen and nothing was going to stop me making history. No internal battles anymore. My path was clear and I couldn't wait for the journey to begin.


	6. Chapter 6

So I had returned to the Cullen household and Esme was thrilled to pieces. I returned to my normal diet and I hated to say, not liking it. It's not that I wanted to go back to human blood, hell no. It was just, it didn't taste the way it used to; they had lost their flavour. I promised Carlisle that it didn't matter and I would continue on the right path.

This is why I am out in the woods stalking a mountain lion. I pull myself into a crouch and listen to every breath it makes; they are limited I assure you. I breathe slowly and take in its scent. I creep silently closer when I hear a sound coming from the woods behind me. Human. The scent bombards me and instincts take over. The monster within rises from me and I leap on the unsuspecting person and slowly edge to their neck. It was a woman. As I got closer I hear her heartbeat getting louder and louder. Without a second's hesitation I plunge into her neck and begin to drink. The sweet liquid pours down my throat and I am hypnotised. I then pull through and I hear Carlisle in my head telling me what to do.

"Edward don't do it, stop!" I just can't do it though. The frenzy has already begun and it's impossible to stop!

"You are not a killer, you don't want to be a monster." This was exactly what Carlisle would say to me. I slowly lift my head.

"I don't need it, I don't need it!" I chant over and over in my head. I compose myself and slump by a fallen tree. The woman is not dead, but losing blood rapidly. But this fails in comparison to what I have really done. My venom pumps in her veins; I have created another vampire! I can't leave her now; she would become a complete savage. I don't know what to do so I figure Carlisle would know. I pick her up and slam through the forest with an immeasurable speed. I break twigs, branches, roots and don't even look back. I tear my way around trees and over rocks. It will take me 5 more minutes to reach home. God, I hope the girl will make it; she screams and writhes in my undead arms. To give me at least some peace of mind I have to know she would live.

Carlisle hears me frantically running to the house and I fly past him. I lay the poor girl down on our dining room table.

"Damn it, Carlisle, help me," I plead. He walks to me slowly and rests a hand on my shoulder.

"Edward, what happened?" he asks calmly.

"I was hunting and she got too near. But I don't want to be a monster Carlisle, I stopped and now I don't know what to do," I sum up for him.

"You stopped?" he asks, slightly surprised.

"Yes."

"I never expected anything less from you, Edward," he responds proudly. He then turns to the girl.

"There is not much we can do, either let her change and she may join us or well, I can give her anesthetic to put her to sleep. She is still human enough for that."

"But wouldn't you have to..." I just can't finish saying out loud what my thoughts are begging me to.

"Tear her apart and burn the pieces? Yes, I am afraid so but we can let her die peacefully before that." His eyes were a swarm of emotions: sadness, love, and many, many more.

"I don't think we are ready for another member in our family, I'm too much trouble for you as it is, let alone a newborn in the house. But I don't want her to die, it wasn't her fault." The pain starts to creep into my voice and Carlisle tries to comfort me.

"We don't want to bring the Volturi on us because we can't look after her," his words are even. "That way all of us would die," he added gravely. His thoughts tell me the relationship status between him and the Volturi. The light was of putting it is that He doesn't care for their ways. I sigh and then reply.

"Fine, anaesthetize her first please." Carlisle's form then fades from the room to go get his medical equipment while I slowly make my way to the girl.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen," I apologize uselessly. I know she can hear through the fiery pain that was engulfing her however, I can just make out her thoughts.

_I forgive you, stranger and goodbye_, she manages to think.

"Goodbye" I respond. Carlisle returned and looked at me with sorrow in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Why are you sorry?" Hysteria enters my short sentence.

"Because you have to hear her dying thoughts" _oh, is that all._

"I can handle that." For something to do I turn back to the girl, I don't even know her name. "Are you ready?" I ask her quietly, she cannot speak but she lets me know through her thoughts.

_Yes, I am ready to go into the arms of God_. I nod to Carlisle and he comes closer to the girl. I had just signed her death certificate well and truly. He pulls out a needle and slowly slides it into the girl's arm. After that we both collapse into a chair around the table. We say nothing as the girl's breathing slows and slows. Her thoughts grow hazy after about 2 minutes and then finally there are no thoughts at all. She has gone. Off to a far better world, where I will never be accepted. I sigh and pick her up from the table, holding her close.

"Be at peace, dear one," I murmur in her ear.

_Edward,_ _we need to finish the job. _I absorb his words then nod. We take her outside. Carlisle does the job while I collect wood. I take a match and light it then toss it carelessly onto the bonfire I have created. While the fire blazes scorching hot, the girl is placed piece by piece into it, burning alive. I sit with my knees to my chest, my chin resting on my knees, watching her burn. Carlisle came and sat next to me, watching me dubiously.

"She forgave you Edward, and I forgive you."

"Thank you, but that doesn't undermine what I have done."

"What, stopped yourself from becoming a monster by draining her of her blood?" he queries.

"I still killed her, didn't I? It doesn't matter that I didn't drain her of blood, I still ultimately caused her death."

"Being a vampire is definitely a paradox, isn't it, you don't want to kill yet you must. It contradicts itself greatly, never finding balance."

"I propose an ultimatum," I declare suddenly, with determination I haven't seen in myself for many months.

"Oh? Very well, I'll listen"

"I'll try and stop killing if you try and stop being so lenient!"

"Oh, I'm afraid that's in my nature, can't help you there," he joked.

"I would say killing is in my nature but then you would say otherwise so there's no point."

"True, true."

"Shall we name the girl seeing as we never found out?"

"Hmm if you wish."

"How about Lolita, it's a Spanish name meaning sorrow," I told him.

"That fits," he chuckled.

"Yes, it does at this particular moment in time," I sigh. "I have a name for you, Carlisle, Alejandro."

"And what does that mean?"

"Defender of mankind."

"Oh, Edward, you strange boy, I do what I must to make my life worth living!"

"Well you're very good at it." We rise and wander into the house and are greeted by Esme, who's back from her hunt. I was home for good now and that's the way it was staying.


End file.
